Kaylee Klusters...

You can't control the weather, but you can steer your ship.

2011-05-31T12:14:00.007-04:00

As thirty approaches I feel a sense of self like never before.

I feel as though I have come full circle with my wants and aspirations as well as finally feeling a sense of completion that has been void for so long.

My twenties encompassed attaining what I wanted; sometimes ill thought and crazier than I would like to acknowledge, but I always did get what I wanted. Only in the end I did more harm than any good and ended up back at square one with nothing. That is until I realized my life is invariably imperfect, and that is how it should be accepted.

I went through a materialistic stage that spanned twelve years, after submitting and not caring about it for a year I realized it was not wrong to like nice things; but it is wrong to think that they in any way make a better or lesser person.

I learned you can't make someone feel something they don't.

Just because people have the best intentions does not mean they always follow through. Words, although powerful with so much significance, mean little to nothing without action. When someone fails you, do not get angry. Do not walk away or begrudge them. Just accept it. It takes more energy to think about things that did not come to fruition than to just let go and live your life.

I learned that food is not your enemy, it is not your friend. It is there. It is like a lone toothbrush. Brushing is great; brush too much and you will wear down the enamel. Without brushing you will get cavities. At some point you have to find a healthy balance and use it as an instrument and not a crutch.

I know that working out is not just something you do to lose weight. The multitude of benefits range from the emotional to the physical and everywhere in between.

If you give anything up and you miss it more than two days to the point of physically shaking, you are addicted. Detox and break from it as soon as possible. This goes for food and relationships as well as anything else you may be harboring.

Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean that the good times are lessened. I think when you finally come to peace with something bad that happened you try to classify it as a horrible experience; you want to forget the good with the bad. You can't. You remember the good before the bad and just because it did not work out the first time doesn't mean you never get another chance. You just can't will it to happen and you shouldn't get mad at God when He doesn't answer your prayer right away.

I will say that again. You can get frustrated that you don't have what you think you deserve when you want it, but you must remember you are not in control of the weather; you are just the captain of your own ship.

They say sometimes the best gifts are the unanswered prayers. I like to think that in one variation or another prayers are answered. Most likely not on your timeline and when you least expect it. But hitting rock bottom to only rely on your Faith so that you get something you want will not work. If you sit patiently it will all come together; even if for a short time.

Don't resist who you are for fear of becoming what you fear. You may miss learning something about yourself that enriches your life in ways you can't imagine.

Relish the good. Learn from the bad. Don't dwell on either. They will not do anything for the present except you will either live for yesterday or tomorrow, and tomorrow may never come.

Spend any time looking for negative and you will find it. The same can be said for the positive. The choice is yours.

Good people will show that they are worth it in time. Treat everyone as though they will stick around. When they don't you can't get disappointed. Their actions show more about their character than yours. Remember that goes for you as well, especially in heated situations.

Daddy always told me to treat the doorman like you would treat royalty. He also told me that you never mess with anyone's kids or money. He said you could never blame someone for trying to better themselves, and that anyone can lose fat, but you can't lose ugly. Listen to your parents, kids. They know more than you think they do.

Desperation attracts desperation. Ambition will get the better of you, and a love life should never come before moral character or family.

Pay your bills on time. Have integrity and a self code. If you cannot pay for it, save until you can. Don't be easily led by the desires of your heart. Let your brain do a little work from time to time. Rely on the math every once in a while.

You will let yourself and others down more times than you care to. You will be discouraged by yourself more than others. Stop and remember if you are lucky you get another day to try again. No one should be perfect, but it is what you do from the moment you realize you were wrong that counts.

Unless you are going to put as much emphasis on the bad as you do the good, don't brag about anything.

People have an eerie way of knowing things, so know yourself better than they do. If you are complacent to be who you are and remain unshaken by others it really doesn't matter to you what they think or say.

Love yourself for who you are today. Not who you were, not who you will be; the today version is the best you will be. It counts. It adds up. Even when you think it does not. Expect the same from others; no more, no less.

Don't settle. Try on other shoes. Try other dates. You may realize you knew your type before anyone else. Your style is your own, your life is your own, your choices are your own; no matter what the circumstance. Do what you think is best, at the time. Do not regret those decisions. You did what you thought you could do in that moment. That is all that counts. You did something.

If something works, work it until you get bored. Try something else. Don't give up and don't walk away because you are uncomfortable; but know when you just are in the wrong place. Don't burn bridges but don't stay so long that you burn the house down.

Momma always says everything comes out in the wash. It does. Just make sure you don't let the stains set too long.

Sometimes you have to let go. But don't over analyze. Just do it.

Being strong is difficult at times. Breakdowns are bound to happen. Don't feel too much pride and don't feel guilty about it. React how you know you can and keep going. It doesn't matter how you get there. Just get there the best way you can. Just be sure your destination is where you really want to end up. The grass may be greener, but the cave can be pitch black. Choose wisely. Make sure the pasture is worth the cave. Otherwise trek on knowing eventually you will get to where you should be.

Don't always be so serious. Don't always be so frivolous. Find a balance and enjoy it. Work before play, but play hard and play right. Don't leave a scar.

You will see strength in times when you least expect it. Appreciate it. Study it for times when you need to remember how you saw it in the first place.

Most important lesson of my lifetime is that we have no control over what will happen. But we do have the gift of Faith and the power of the Father above, and He will not let you falter if you do His will and not your own. Don't get the two confused. It may feel like the devil is chasing you and you are tested, but just like anything else in life, don't half try anything....make a commitment and stick to your guns. Center yourself and bask in the cocoon of your Faith when times get hard. Draw inward but outward to Him.

Life on earth is not guaranteed. Eternal Life is. Nothing you will ever do will be good enough for that gift, and your actions may or may not matter when you are gone. But I would like to think they may matter to someone, and you never know who that someone will be. So just do your best and forget the rest. That is my motto for my thirties.

I guess my twenties were not wasted after all.

184 Days

2011-01-01T15:17:00.006-05:00

There are 184 days until my 30th birthday and rather than approach this day as the end of the era of fun, I am going to approach this as the end of the era of nonsense & insecurity. This will be the beginning of a time in my life that represents growth.

I have not been perfect; in fact I have been quite ignorant with many decisions. But they were made. And they made me.

I am a big believer in the idea that if you learn from a mistake you will be a stronger person. Or you have the opportunity to be stronger. A true test of a learned lesson is when one is presented with a similar situation; if you make the same mistake again then you have not learned anything.

Needless to say it has taken 29 years....but I think I am there.

In my last post I opened up about learning how to pace myself; and to only look at where I want to be and accept my pace. I have learned a few things that I think will carry me to a successful future. The first and most important lesson learned is to just be ME. I can work out & try to look like so and so...but that is just silly. Why would I want to be anyone else? I realized this after carrying around a notebook for 5 months with a picture of Tinkerbell on it. I wanted to be skinny, blonde and blue eyed. Now I just realize thay whole concept takes away from the beauty that is me. I refuse to be a person who lives in someone else's shadow. So no. No more Tinkerbell dreams.

The second concept I feel I have finally grasped is that I MUST rely on no one but myself. I can not change other people, I don't want to. But I can find what it is I can contribute to relationships with people I care about.

I have never had problems walking away. I do it for defense, I do it out of habit. I will only do it now as soon as I feel a relationship is toxic. But not because I lack confidence. I will be comfortable enough with myself to just be me.

I may never get married. I may never meet someone I find intelligent & refreshing enough that will accept me as I am. I have to be okay with that. People die. People betray you. People annoy you. People hurt you. But if you do these things to yourself, them THAT is the ultimate betrayl.

So much of me was discovered this year. Not who I thought I wanted to be or who I lied and pretended to be....but me. I emerged this year. And now I want to grow and have a stable foundation to begin my thirties.

I have also learned that you can not live by countdowns. You wait for the day and eventually you are just setting dates and waiting for them to approach. My benchmark of 184 days will be celebration of following through with lessons learned.

My blog is going to be included in my website that I apparently need for writing purposes. I plan to be very active and opening up about what I think and who I am. For so long I was named the "Facebook Queen" because I did have close to 3,000 friends. Then the more weight I lost the more I trimmed that number down. Finally after I did Before & After pictures..and losing 100
pounds...I just had enough. I deactivated my account. I had nothing to prove. It didn't offer anything to enhance my life ... So I may activate my account when I want in the future but at the moment I have enough on my plate.

I plan on growing. I am curious in nature and enjoy so many different avenues of entertainment. I want to reflect daily on what inspires me. What playlist I am jamming and what workout I am rocking. I have a 2011 Bucket List & I plan on sharing those accomplishments as well as sharing what that felt like. Even if no one else reads I will.

My writing career as well as my day job are both time consuming ... But I will make the time for me. I also plan on reading at least two books and watch two movies (classics and foreign) per month. Living is so much more than what you have or what you don't have. Lose that fact and you will lose yourself. I refuse to lose me.

There are 184 days before July 5....and when this countdown is over I will be the best version of myself. That's my dream.

Marathon Time

2010-12-27T15:07:00.004-05:00

There is a very large part of my subconscious that does not want to let 2010 end.

There is very large part of my conscious that wants 2011 to begin.

2010 was a year filled with milestones. Endurance, dedication, liberation and exaltation all took place in the myriad of moments that encompassed the core of who it is I am. I felt like a big blob, and started chipping away in 2010 until the essence of me has taken shape. I feel like I literally was carving out who it is I wanted to be, only to find that underneath the layers I already was that person.

I have made lists my entire life. It is an almost compulsive behavior and the lists outline what I need to do. This year I applied that logic to looking at what and who I wanted to become. I allowed myself to make lists of what I thought a complete Kaylee looked like. Then I took steps on how to get there. While doing this I had a revelation that I needed to look at why I wasn’t the person I felt I should be and what I could do to resolve issues that perpetually stalled progress.

Deep seeded issues that had been present since birth were faced this year. The more I started living for my life; history and present, the more I realized that I could do just about anything I wanted to. I had to decipher what I needed and what I wanted. There is vast margin between the two. I discovered that while my starts are always true, I tend to want the finish line too much and try to look for ways to get there immediately. This year I learned that I just had to pace myself. I ran at my own pace and stopped looking around to see what everyone else was doing. As soon as I did this, I was immediately free.

Free to complete a Half Marathon.

When I was a kid I was overweight. So much so that I could not run 5 consecutive laps around my gym. Or maybe it was that I LOATHED running around anything. I could do aerobic classes all day, but could not stand to run. In fifth grade I got cut from the basketball team because I could not run 5 laps. Granted, I went to private school and looking back now it is actually humorous. But before I digress I should make a point. The point is the next year I had switched private schools and made the team but my running still lacked.

In 2010 I decided I would finally be the best me possible. I was working out 3-5 hours a day. I started in September and spent money and time on trainers and logged my gym hours. From September 1 – December 26 I committed myself to a rigorous schedule and in the end I lost a complete 100 pounds. I did it without pills, or lipo or anything not natural. I just relied on science, faith and my mind to force my body to do what I wanted it to.

In the middle of my weight loss boot camp I decided I would put all of those logged hours at the gym to use and complete a Half Marathon. For a kid that could not complete 5 laps, running 13.1 miles was no small feat. I aimed high. I wanted to finish the race under 4 hours. Even if it took 6, I wanted to COMPLETE the race.

Race day quickly approached and I was like a rubber band ball. Snapping off, bouncing off the walls and then gradually just stopping and wondering what I was doing. It was cold; exceptionally cold for an early November Saturday. I was in a small group and every runner there looked like they ran 13 miles DAILY. The one thing I found was that I had never felt more supported than at that moment. Multitudes of Facebook comments rang through my head; and even though I had no CLUE what I was doing I was determined to do it.

The Half Marathon was really not in the upscale part of town and the organizer of the event looked at me as though I was wasting her time. I finally told her to hand me the map, and that even if it took 6 hours, I would be back. I am not sure if she believed me; but in that moment I knew I HAD to believe me.

As predicted, everyone ran away within the first mile. I was last. I got lost. I worked at my own pace. For 5 minutes I literally cried and wondered if I should quit. I called my mother, I called my sister. I contemplated telling them to come get me. And then it happened. I realized if I quit I would do what I had always done. I would have walked away with the shirt and made up an excuse. I couldn’t do that to the new me. I worked so hard to become a better person. To not lie to anyone about anything. To try and not feel as insecure as I had always done.

In those 13 miles ALONE with various people checking on me, I realized something. I did not care what anyone thought anymore. I did not care if it showed up that I had a certain time. I didn’t care that it may take 6 hours. I was GOING to finish.

Around mile 6 I could FEEL the blisters. The pains began and I walked. I WALKED. I did not care that I was last. That they came and took the Gatorade stands down… I was going to finish. I would die trying. I had a dog that barked at me, and what looked to be a drug deal going on in front of me in a park; and I still went. I prayed and thought about my life. The things I had done that I was not so proud of. Those indiscretions that I tried to make up for with good deeds. I let them all go. The negativity that I thought about myself. I had lost 70 pounds at that point. But NOTHING in my lifetime felt as liberating as KNOWING that I only had 4 more miles to go.

I was fast approaching the not so great area (which was near the end of the race) when I saw a woman that I would later find out knew my mom for years. She came back in an SUV and helped stall traffic. And I found myself jogging on bleeding feet. A block away from the finish line I did see two of the runners and the husband of the duo got out of his car and ran the last block with me. He wanted to make sure I knew how proud complete strangers were of the attempt that I made. To just up and decide to run a half marathon. I did it. I completed the Half.

I came in last. I could not walk. I had one cup of water the entire way, but I did it. My time was under 4 hours. My goal had been met. I could not walk for a week afterwards (not properly); but I did it. My mom was the proudest I had ever known her to be and I think my sisters were just SHOCKED I had completed something.

I like to call that the butterfly moment.

I always thought my butterfly moment would be at a prom or in a nice gown or on a date. But it wasn’t. It was in a Tuck – Dartmouth Sweatshirt that was too big for me and a pair of New Balance running shoes. That was the day that I realized that I was no longer a dreamer, or a talker. It didn’t matter what everyone else thought, I knew what I thought and what mattered most.

2010 also marked my debut into writing. IAE Magazine out of Atlanta did a piece on me. Gigantic premiered. I did edits. I made connections. I didn’t care what anyone believed or thought. It was a beautiful time to experience.

I re-read my blog post from a year ago. Much of it still holds true. I did come out of my shell. I hit walls and had challenging moments but in the end I got up and pushed on. I remembered every trial I had been through and I embraced them for what they were. Whether I inflicted the unwanted feelings or not; I accept them and have released them.

There are still moments when I wonder what might have been. There are still moments when I feel very alone. But there is an even bigger feeling of contentment. I know that I am EXACTLY where I need to be and my journey will lead me to where I want to be.

I just happen to run at my own pace.

Choices...

2010-07-15T08:55:00.001-04:00

Have you ever made a decision…however small…that would lead to you knowing that after months of trying to choose the right path....and wanting to do the right thing…you had arrived?

Those cumulative years of mistakes and success led to where you are. And in that moment, where you made your decision…you saw a glimpse of your own soul…and it was a beautiful sight.

Have you ever experienced this?

If you were a character in a Comic Book it would have been that moment of standing atop a building after saving the world…and feeling that being you made more sense. Your purpose had been found. You were never a lost cause; just lost.

The moment you made the decision you felt a little different, a little better, a little more like you. That moment where you let go of everything in the past. You just watched it float away and all you have now is the clear sunset in the distance as you stand with your cape blowing in the wind.

That moment. That decision. Sense of self. Sense of worth.

If you have never had that moment….I can attest that you should just keep on the narrow and straight with yourself…and you will one day attain the glory.

I learned so many lessons about interpersonal relationships from watching others and then experiencing my own mistakes. And no matter how strong of a boulder you may be….eventually those experiences chip away at you. I have found though…that if you pay attention you will find the chips only lead to the core. Eventually…when you get to the core…you see what you are made of.

We add layers. Layers of guilt, doubt, nostalgia, selfishness, need, want, fear, materialism, aggression, etc until eventually we are all just really big onions. And the more layers a person seems to gather the more they stink when you peel the layers away.

But the core. The core holds it all together. That is where you get to see what a person was like before the rain…before the storms….before all of life’s little sins seemed to penetrate.

A few months ago I made a life changing decision that would ultimately decide my fate. It was worth it. It took a really long time to peel all of the layers away…but when I found the core…and what I TRULY wanted…..it literally led me to believe I could be the person I always aspired to be. The person I needed to be. The person I was sent here to be.

I am not blogging now on the greatness that is my life. Let’s face it…we all have moments of trial. But I find that we are also given those little moments with rainbows…that may tear ducts well up…and you know everything is just as it should be. It may not be all there just yet…but in due time your life will be everything your soul needs…and it will be SO worth it.

Insomniac Soul

2010-02-22T12:24:00.004-05:00

I must apologize for the lack of updates on the blog. It would be remiss not to explain the reasoning for dropping off the personal blog radar. .

My writing career has skyrocketed from non-existent to all time consuming as of late. No complaints here; I just find that my personal blog should be a representation of my inspiration when it comes and not when it is forced. I also realize that my writing is lengthy at times, but this is more of a personal repose for me, not you. My thoughts on paper tend to become actions that shape my life for the better.

I should also mention I have not slept in 48 hours due to anticipation and sheer joy of a new prospect that seems to be on the horizon. At this point adrenaline and my iTunes ever expanding library are what I am relying on for consciousness. The ‘no sleep fever’ is setting in and we are past the ‘I want carbs’ stage…so I am sure laughing fits will ensue shortly.

In my insomniac state I experienced inspiration that I did not expect. I had one of those weekends where everything seems to happen so quickly it becomes like a blurry snapshot on a camera phone. You see the colors but you can’t quite make out the details without someone explaining what you are looking at. Now that I think of it, the month of February has felt like a blurry camera phone photo.

I found myself watching Ali last night. I really don’t remember watching it so intently; then again I always liked boxing but did not know enough about the sport to actually understand and be interested in the actions. It was an amazing movie and in general I tend to root for the underdog; even if they were once the expected contender; especially when they are the incumbent of their sport, hobby or art.

While penning a blog in the past I had a novel idea; each person that comes into your life has the opportunity to influence and impact affect. Because of this they each have a little piece of you; therefore we have the people collectively around us when we have major milestones such as marriage or death. We like to feel like the little pieces that shaped the outer core are present; they enhance the whole that we call our person.

I think every instance leads you to where you are, where you should be and hopefully where you want to be. Moments that impact our destinies, our being and our overall self sometime come along when we least expect them.

This past month I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I feel as though my repressed demons have been expunged and their ghosts like to linger for as long as they possibly can. On this journey I always thought it was going to be about me. What I accomplished; whose life I impacted. Whose life did I alter? In the end were they better for my existence in their realm? Man and his or her opposable thumbs. It is allllll about me. Until I realize it is not. A nebulous revelation that strikes the very essence of who it is I was in the past, who I am in the present and who I can be in the future.

Last week my cognitive mind heard the words I had thought but had never uttered. My suspicions of something have not been confirmed yet; but I am not the only one on the path of the undiagnosed and worried. I would not wish this trail upon my worst enemy, but I feel confident that I can navigate the path now. There are times where I second guess the actions and narrative around me but someone told me once that if the Lord can lead you to it, He can get you through it. While I have no problem paying penance for my idiocy and lazy self; it becomes so much more when you try to guide someone else. You try to reassure them that it will all be okay while the uncertainty lingers and looms like clouds of sulfur waiting to descend unexpectedly. When that happens I feel that I will not have the strength to find the air or will to breathe again.

In case anyone is wondering; no, this sea of poorly placed imagery is not for a member of the opposite sex. It is actually concern for my mother; whom means more to me than words could ever convey.

Muhammad Ali was diagnosed with Parkinson’s after a successful career as a boxer. I felt like a little kid last night watching a portrayal of someone’s life while they were at their pinnacle of excellence. At various times I found myself crying as I compared the resemblance of the sheer determination with that of my mother’s.

My mother worked for everything she has. Everything she gained…she did so out of sheer strength, will and absolute determination to build a better life for her children. I am blessed to be one of these recipients. I will never forget as a child going to my mother’s office on Saturday and working with her while she ventured ahead of everyone else. I will never forget going to various homes as she personally trained them or watched as she would teach 6 aerobic classes in one day. Three or four packed classes on weekdays after working a full-time day job. People wonder where my work ethic comes from; I watched my mother and then saw my father work 5am to 5pm seven days a week until he retired at the age of 42. While I lived through my father having various strokes after the retirement my mother was steadfast and never faltered until about two years ago. And even now, when she has her energy spurts or her “good days” she literally speeds through actions like a graceful force of nature. The only difference is that her body does not quite catch her mind these days. I see her brilliance in myself at times. I don’t think my body will ever be as well equipped or as strong as hers.

And for all of this, in all of this I see hope. I can hold onto hope. That we will stumble upon something new; some new explanation that can be attacked and treated. That her pinnacle may have been met but it will not be the zenith of her existence. She can do this. She can fight this. We can fight this. This is her battle against George Foreman and as long as we train we will be victorious. I will hold onto this until there is no more. I MUST hold onto this. I may be the lone reef, the lone trainer who refuses to let her quit. That may be my purpose in life. At this point in my life I KNOW it is my reason for being. I will not cease to try. To attempt the impossible; to look left, look right, jab, hook, punch and be the mental strength that refuses to let her body give up.

They say the good die young. The innocent die before their time. I always have had the theory that the good die when they figure it all out. I tread lightly for this reason. I don’t want to know it all or do everything perfectly. But I refuse to sit by with fear hindering my potential. Maybe this is the year that I am the lion. The year that rather than prove myself to others, I will tackle the speed bags and the punching bags with the tenacity of someone who has everything to gain and nothing to lose. I will be hungry for it. I will let the thirst go unquenched until I have given until there is no more.

“Float like a butterfly; sting like a bee….your hands can’t hit what your eyes can’t see…”

Goodbye 2009

2009-12-30T09:58:00.000-05:00

I am not sure where I heard it first; but they say that the way you spend the beginning of your New Year is the way you will spend your year. When I was 10 my grandmother told me if I would bury money I would have a prosperous year. To this day I detest collards and beans so I buried the money. When I was 24 I read that you are supposed to open your windows to let the feelings and the past transgressions escape your home; and let the new air flow in. This was also supposed to represent your willingness to experience new opportunities. I liked the idea of this superstition and have done it every year since.

This year was the year I grew up. I matured into a person I am quite fond of and I plan on keeping her around. It feels as though my life until this past year was a blur; moments of clarity clouded by bad decisions, terrible falsies and even worse inferiorities; subjective and abstract feelings of inadequacies plagued since childhood.

2007 was the year for leaving denial behind. It was a year of sadness, anger and I really can’t tell you anything I did for anyone else that year.

2008 was the year that centered on my mother and her illness. Prognosis, diagnosis, worry and fear accompanied daily interactions and in many ways left me a very changed and bitter person.

2009 was the year of growth. It was the year I took a really hard look at my life and decided to change. It was the year of action. I took on my mother’s companies, running the household, caring for her at times while excelling at a full time job. It was the year my writing took off. It was the year I saw a Therapist because I wanted to vent. It was the year I met with Nutritionists, Dieticians and Personal Trainers. It was the year I chose to read more than I have since college. I chose to volunteer; donating time and money; not for recognition but because it was the right thing to do. It was the year I chose to step up as a daughter, sister, Aunt and friend. It became the year of self help books on disorders and educational series of interests I forgot I had. It was the year of letting go. It was the reassessment of who it is I really am and who it is I want to be. It was the beginning of my writing career. I actually got paid to do something I enjoy. It was the year of honesty.

The year of honesty: Out of all of the above improvements that is the key to my newfound happiness. I pathologically lied in the past to get what I wanted or in some cases to make someone else love me because I did not see any other way. This was the pinnacle year of change for me. I found out I TRULY believe I am worth more than the lies. People I value are in my life now. I found in order to bring it back to the essential good I HAD to force out the bad. The feeling alone of self worth is more than anyone or any materialistic thing you will ever dwell over. I promise and attest to this.

It was also the year of me being completely comfortable being single. I was single for the entire year with the exception of January. I did not want to pursue anything with anyone until I was comfortable enough with who I am enough and could offer something substantial to someone else’s life without losing my way. I have a feeling 2010 may change that; but I will not enter into a relationship until I am completely the Kaylee that is strong enough to never hurt anyone, including myself. Before anyone jumps to conclusions; I am talking spiritually. The only physical damage done to myself is that of food; which overcompensated and cloaked the feelings I held within. Until I know I am strong enough to be in a mature relationship where I can flourish and keep parts of myself while being involved with someone else; I do not need it nor do I really want it.

2010 is the year of promise. It is the year to share myself with others. 2009 I processed every emotion possible. The fear, happiness, responsibility, loneliness, shame, hurt, abandonment, longing, peace and hope were all internally processed. It was the year I learned how to forgive; how to let go. It was the year of empowerment. 2010 will be the year that begins a new chapter; a new journey that will include applying all of those lessons I spent time on in order to grow.

A month ago I began to purge things out of my life I did not need. I started room by room; finding papers in boxes, discarding clothes I could not fit into and clutter. I detoxified my surroundings to include the current, the present; keeping only the here and now. I did keep a few mementos that I held dear to remember the good. Everything I have ever done I did with passion. Whether it was for the wrong reasons or purely selfish; I experienced these times and they got me to where I am today. I organized my rooms and in the end a feeling of calm was found. As I looked back I realized that I had so much more going for me than I realized. Those moments of clarity; however few and far between bring a smile to my face without the pang to my heart that I have left something I needed or wanted behind. If you spend so much time in the past you really can never fully appreciate the present.

2010 I embark on screenwriting, completing a book, handling my other 4 or 5 jobs and I also plan on blogging my daily nutritional and physical activities. I know it is daunting and it sounds like too much; but I used the last few months to prove to myself that I can accomplish anything with organization and persistence. In other words, there is no time to be LAZY.

You can plan for years (as I have done), make very sound lists (which I have done), dream of a different life (who hasn’t?), but unless you are willing to WORK for what you want…it is paper, smoke and ashes. The loser is you. If you dream it you can be it. That is why you should dream positive and dream big.

For the very first time in my ENTIRE life I can say I really do not care what others think. I do what I can for myself and others; I give it a 200% effort and if in the end it is not to others likings I can’t change it. I can change how I approach situations, how I take action but the circumstances surrounding or dealt is something I have found we really can never control.

There is a sadness that still occurs every now and again for what may have been if things had gone differently. If I had been more of this version of myself and a little less misguided. I have come to accept that things happen for a reason and wondering only leads to wasted time. I think I will always have one regret; a cumulative three years of bad choices that lead to that regret. But I have come to the conclusion (as previously stated in my last blog) that I will never know. I can think I know how badly another person does not like me, but NO ONE is completely innocent. I have concluded I will never be granted closure or forgiveness for it from another soul so I have to forgive and gain closure on my own.

I used to think you could wish and pray for something and it would happen. I used to believe that my prayers to God would show him how much I needed something in my life and I now realize there is another plan. The beauty of letting go is overcoming the pain of loss for what was and what may have been. It may have been a dream once upon a time but it is someone else’s now. I can only hope that key people that are expunged from my life for reasons known and unknown will live to their potential. I have known some really intelligent and inspiring people. I thank them for the really great times and wish them nothing but the best; no matter what their opinions of me may be. I can only wish for them to have their best life.

There is a blog called All Women Stalk. They do. We do. I used to be that woman who wanted to compare incessantly myself with others. I initiated arguments with past boyfriends about their previous girlfriends; trying to make sure I was different, unlike them and better than them. Oh immature me. Wasted time. Wasted mistakes.

I know SO many women who still do this. Recently I became aware of one current love interest of an ex who is curious about me. I don’t know the rhyme, I don’t know the reason and I don’t know the person. Live your life. Not someone else’s. Stop comparing yourself to me and my numerous personalities; start enjoying your now. Otherwise it will be someone else’s now sooner than later.

Defamation of self worth is the SADDEST form of debauchery. Don’t let others impose it on you. In the end it won’t matter if they live on the streets or win a Nobel Prize; it will not put food on your table and it may not warm your heart. Malice is a cruel reality and as long as you divulge dispersed information for the wrong reasons you will never grow. You should never underestimate growth. You should never fault someone who truly tries to change their lives for the better.

The previous paragraph surmises my lessons from 2009. It is not about them, it is about how you feel about you. I kind of like the styles of 2009. That forward thinking that you can pair tights and a tee with boots; you can be goth, punk and princess at the same time. You have the ability to find your own style, your own niche, your own path.

I had made plans to go on an all expenses paid trip to Vegas for New Year’s. A great networking opportunity. I unfortunately have the flu. There was an old part of me that laughs when I think that I used to would have said I went when I did not. Not anymore. I am going to spend the last moments of 2010 with the one person I value the most.

I will bury some coins, open some windows and buy myself a new pair of new shoes on New Year’s Day. I will welcome the new. I will keep the past where it is; in the past. I will be the best me I can be in 2010. That is my resolution.

Managing Apprehension & Ambition

2009-09-17T09:10:00.032-04:00

The problem with success is that while it is monetarily fulfilling it can also be quite emotionally overwhelming.

I find myself prioritizing more lately. Having to pick and choose the importance of tasks and interpersonal relationships is a torrid battle with the adversary changing daily. In retrospect, you learn the basis of what you find important when you are faced with so many options.

What makes you happy? That seems to be a question I ask myself daily. What is it that I garner as necessary and what can be left behind; possibly to revisit or abandon for good. There are certain relationships that I find myself mentally reflecting on; some of them were prominent and long lived while others were minuscule in the grand time line of my life. It is funny how people can alter your views and emotions; sometimes they know what they are accomplishing and sometimes they do it in such a way you never know it has happened until you find yourself nostalgically longing for the days past.

People I can not live without know who they are. My Touchstone will always remain my sister Glenda. She is amazing and daily reminds me who I am and whom I can aspire to be. If you know me you know I respect her beyond reason, however recently I feel that I convey that to her much more than I used to. I have said in the past that we do not have much in common, and sometimes I wonder if we would be close if not related. Not that she is a bad person or not cool - she is a great person and very cool. It is just that I do not associate with other females other than my sister, mother and best friend. I do not like them. I don't. I know how our minds work and it is vicious, callus, self implored and deviant. There are those who are good but not without fault.

The thing with self realization, vindication, arbitration and redemption is that you learn things about yourself and the human race you normally would avoid. Ignorance by omission is how I like to describe the vacant crescent heart. When a person is completely broken there is nothing to offer, nothing to give. But I think we are never TRULY broken. I tend to believe that even in the madness of the social, physical and mental breakdowns there is always a chance, a glimmer of hope. A light that shines and makes us WANT to try. We just find the inspiration in various places. Least expectant people and situations can sometimes stimulate want. Want leads to hope. Hope leads to fear and happiness. The victor of the two can change the path a person treads. While the path may lead to destruction or success; it is the memories we create along the way that we reflect upon in moments of despair and longing. These memories formed can bring a person from the brink into the light. They can often create the hope needed to carry on.

Acceptance comes when forgiveness is granted. In order to forgive anyone you have to learn how to forgive yourself of past transgressions. In order to forgive one has to logically accept the love, hatred, introspective and viral joy that has been shared. An impression is always left; positive or negative, the impression is left. Impressions are tattooed in the mind and are hard to paint over or to remove; but they can be and I intend to be a testament to that fact.

I have lost many in my sea of pronouns and adjuncts; but that is okay. I know what I am trying to say. The point is ominous but the search makes it worth it.

While my sister may have many characteristics that are not my own; we have many that are the same. I happen to think I don't need a soul mate. She is mine.
While looking inward I explored many theories of why I do the things I do currently and why I have done some of the things in my past. A contributing factor is the lack of self discipline, recognition, the loss of self. For me my light has always been my sister. She is my Touchstone.

Touchstone. I often use the term to refer to Glenda. There are several definitions of the word, and I consider it a more important term than love; I do not use the term loosely. The Touchstone is stable. It is the reference point. It is neutral and can be the judging standard by which things are held. I am lucky, my Touchstone is not as stable as she looks from the outside. She never disintergrates, only ascends; constantly growing while raising the bar, raising the standard by which I live. There is a peace and calm that she emits from knowing herself. A gentle and somber confidence that is not shaken. Her rock is her husband, whom she has been with for more than half of her life. Their two children are exemplary in every way and whomever they choose to be they will be loved and accepted as individuals. Watching my sister and brother in law instill ideals and morale into their children's lives reminds me of how she earned my trust as a child. How she taught me to look for the light. To accept. To see the way the way things are and not how my heart tries to perceive them. She is my sanity; while callus at times in her methods, she is more of a mentor to me than anyone else. Impacting my life and overall self more so than any other ever could.

I think lost people search their lives for someone to inspire the recognition of who they are supposed to be. Who they want to be. Who they are afraid to be. I kind of think this is why we have so many "failed" and "loveless" relationships. A person searches for something in another that they will never find. Your desires are your own for a reason. Your purpose is your own. It can not be anyone else's. It may be shared; but the instinctual DESIRE has to come from within.

The great thing about my Touchstone is that she accepted me for all of my failures, horrible habits, evil deeds and for all of my greatness. She tried to prevent the mistakes as I made them; but eventually learned I would come back to the Kaylee she loves. She would be there when I did. When I have had moments of despair and defeat she has been there. She has celebrated my accomplishments and jubilation as well as her own.

I think people are attracted to one another for different reasons; and I think friendships form when people who want to connect to someone who may not make them feel as lonely as they really are. I think when you spend time with yourself, and you learn who it is you are; then and only then can you really offer friendship with others. You realize that your life is not their own and vice versa. Each person comes as they are and you accept it or you don't. Take it or leave it.

I also think certain people have connections as humans that we can not explain. Opposites attract with some form of recognition in another's soul. More than relatable. More than need. Want.

Want leads to priorities. When my life is so busy and quite overwhelming I choose who to let in and who to keep out by omission. The possibilities are endless for people to become a priority. I am always open to new connections. New inspirations; relationships formed from recognition of similar wants, habits and interests.

I like people who build you up. I enjoy witty banter. Surrounding yourself with positive influences should never be tempered with nor taken for granted. I do not.

There are the obvious pieces of me scattered about. Several people, however deserving or unjust they may be; they have me. If you put all of these people in a room with one another they would have the collective Kaylee. I kind of think that is why you need the closest people with you in marriage ceremonies and funerals. All of the people have shared you. They may have nothing in common with the other, but they have a little piece of you. That makes them special. I tend to think this is why the good, the bad, the indifferent moments that leave impressions are important. They are you. They helped shape you; and if you are lucky you have helped shaped them.

Intrinsically, my mother, my sisters, my father...they are a part of me. I could go on about how wonderful my sister Jill is...our connection. How inspired I am by my mother. Memories of my father. But for me, if you make me a priority I return the favor. The truth is I don't have time to chase people who do not want to talk to me. Who can not build me up. Who will not make me a better person. I must concentrate on the things I can have an impact on. Until people want to change their broken selves, it is wasted energy. That is the one characteristic I appreciate about my sister Glenda and her husband Ryan - they let me be broken until I wanted to change or needed some sort of inspiration. They tried to guide without pushing; and I will be grateful for that always; my soul thanks them.

At the top of my priority list is family, relationships and responsibilities that impact the overall health of those around me. Decisions that should not have to be made for anyone else are made daily. Acceptance is key. Want is great. Excitement is electricity.

I can not be lax and leave out my joy for my best friend. Time and again I have referred to her as my best friend but she is more like my confidant than anyone I know. While my sister may inspire me to new heights, my best friend is a constant reminder of all the happiness and "cool points" I may offer. While Glenda may represent the stability and inspiration in my life, my best friend Alissa shares the recognition people search for with any friendship. While not completely identical, she understands the way I think in such a way that one has to know the feelings and inspirations themselves. Maddening respect culminated with awe leads to years of understanding and relating. Instantly we were friends. That is not true. I was inferior when I met her and thought for sure we would not get along. But then I realized she kind of mirrored me..greatness mirroring greatness would ultimately add dislike and competition by default. But we weren't shallow. We related and became fun, eclectic, sometimes sinister partners in crime. Romantic relationships would come and go and through it all I knew she would not be judgmental and would put me in check with who I was. Self depreciation is not allowed in our conversations and so many times I would watch and think there has to be one person who not only appreciates everything she has to offer, but who works at being worthy of it. Kind of like what I want a man to do in my relationship.

I want someone who is not broken beyond repair. Who has no implacable issues that can not be subdued or even stamped out. I want someone who knows who they are. Who allows me to grow into whomever I want to become. Who appreciates the wicked and almost masochist ways that led me to become the powerhouse that I am. Intelligence is a must. Good grammar. Spelling is a plus. Knowing the difference between your, you're and you are as well as to, too, loose and lose, their, there and they're. I don't think it is too much to ask. Impossibly ambitious. Passionate about something, ANYTHING. Someone who is not void of humor, nice eyes, hands and nose. Someone who takes hygiene as a priority. Being cool without trying. Considerate without force. Gifting without asking. Paying attention to wants and needs. Not monetary. I am a firm believer I can do well for myself. I do not need someone to provide for me. I came back from financial ruin to managing quite nicely. Demons wrestled and recognized. Self recognition. Did I say someone who smells nice? Luxury in the details of knowing favorite songs, sports, shows, movies but more importantly knowing me. Who I am when the day ends and I wrestle with my own demons, someone who can appreciate the force that has to overcome Said discretion. Acceptance with ambiguous ambition that challenges yet is not overbearing. This is my perfect partner. <- Good Luck

The man described may be my perfect companion, but if you look closely you will find my relatable best friend has found all of the described above. (Not sure about the smelling part) I can't speak for how she feels but I am guessing the ring on her hand says it all.

Alissa is engaged!!! And many of the things that I would want for myself is what she has. But rather than be the typical female and be envious of the ring and the sweet guy; I am actually more excited for her than I think was for my own engagement. It is the "real deal." She is genuinely herself; he knows her and she knows the "true" Brian...so we think (if not it will be okay, because she will still be Alissa - but I am guessing he knows himself as well - so we should not have this problem). He currently does all of the things you would want for someone who truly deserves it. It honestly is life altering to see someone so complacent, so joyous and fulfilled. It is enigmatic and prolific; magical even.

So yes, in my circle of life two enormous priorities remain: the well being of my sister and best friend and they near the top of the list.

My nephew has started school. I am excited about this. It is so fun to watch him mature and come into his own self. Loving adoration leads to a little spoiling, but his parents are capable of raising a well mannered, independent child with no bratty complexes. I see it and it honestly is overwhelming. To know that he has the life I always dreamed of when I was a kid. To see what it is like when people do the right things, and accept any personal personality traits he brings to the world. He and his sister are highlights in a once grim soul of mine. I always say if I never have children it will be okay because I have three nieces and one nephew. It is a very true accord that I am content with. My little Glenda and Ryan's have at times reminded me of the compassion and purity that is within; more than that they have at times represented my belief in hope.

Getting paid to write is quite fun, it is not a chore but something that I would do for voluntarily. Deadlines can be pressing but the craft itself is worth the intensity of labor. I actually enjoy my "day job." It challenges my mind. Each day is a puzzle with missing pieces that are hiding; they come out when you least expect them, habit can make them more apparent but the perceived notion that just because you can not see the big picture without the little pieces instills empowerment of logical thinking. Being a female, I find this to be a commodity to apply in other areas of life. I am also running a household, my mom's past business and my constant battle of issues with food and physical imperfections.

Only once in my life have I given everything I had and everything I did not to another person. Bitterness has left. Sadness and anger remain at times. Appreciation for the good, self resentment for mistakes, infliction of guilt that can be argued and shared, nostalgia for the feeling of contentment and elation (even though delusionally induced). Hope emits....Not for gaining closure or even regaining any stagnant communication; but acceptance. Acceptance that there may never be apologies spoken, recrudescence examined, imposed blame and hurt revealed, or loss felt by parties involved. Acceptance that while various shades of grandeur and bodies void of soul or empathy for one another did exist.... there is no returning to the past. Realizing that trials and tribulations that should have and could have been avoided were not.

Transgressions have made me who I am today and consequential guilt was felt. Recrimination is a really tiresome and detailed experience. Anyone who says differently has never really been through it. However vast and manic pain may have been, I have carried more of the burden than what was just and rightfully mine. The personal hell of shame and loss is more than anyone should carry. I think it time to let it go. I actually did that a while back in order to rehabilitate. It is not my cross to bare anymore..... I am letting it go.

I wish I knew then what I know now, but that almost goes along with regret. While I have blamed, accused, accosted and condemned myself for too long I wonder where the counter responsibility is. I have no clue if it lacks, or is internally processed by another.... and at this point I do not care. I am personally exonerating myself for any misguiled or misleading actions. Time, self exploration, putting myself through repudiation allows me to let go.

Exhalation is mine for the taking, and like any selfish human - I am taking.

Weekly Posts

2009-08-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

http://www.examiner.com/x-21225-Columbia-Celebrity-Headlines-Examiner

http://newsdabbler.com/fashion/

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5328613/7/State_of_Affairs

http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/monday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/tuesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/wednesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/thursday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/friday.shtml

http://tvmegasite.net/day/amc/updates/monday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/amc/updates/tuesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/amc/updates/wednesday.shtml

http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/tuesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/wednesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/thursday.shtml

http://tvmegasite.net/day/atwt/updates/wednesday.shtml

Links

2009-08-23T18:26:00.002-04:00

Bold & Beautiful

http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/older/2009/bb-08-12-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/older/2009/bb-08-13-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/older/2009/bb-08-14-09b.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/tuesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/wednesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/bb/updates/thursday.shtml

Guiding Light

http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/older/2009/gl-08-12-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/older/2009/gl-08-13-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/older/2009/gl-08-14-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/monday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/tuesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/wednesday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/thursday.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gl/updates/friday.shtml

General Hospital
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gh/updates/older/2009/gh-08-13-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gh/updates/older/2009/gh-08-14-09.shtml
http://tvmegasite.net/day/gh/updates/wednesday.shtml

As The World Turns
http://tvmegasite.net/day/atwt/updates/wednesday.shtml
(they have to change the name - that was mine)

All My Children
http://tvmegasite.net/day/amc/updates/monday.shtml

Links

2009-08-17T10:19:00.000-04:00

www.bluffbacker.wordpress.com

www.currentchronicle.wordpress.com

Inspiration...

2009-08-06T11:41:00.001-04:00

The Boy saw a comet; And he felt as thought his life had meaning
And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him
It was more than just a comet because of what it brought back to his life; direction, beauty, meaning.
There were many who couldn’t understand, and sometimes he walked among them.
But even his darkest hours, he knew in his heart someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again…
And his belief in God and love and art would be reawakened in his heart.

Most likely you did not expect something so profound to come from a show such as One Tree Hill. It did. Let that fact sink in. It is a quote recited many times over by lovesick teens that grew up with the show; yet it holds value and principle for any age or gender. I am not trying to educate you on One Tree Hill. Later you will learn the “Kaylee Way”* of why it is in this blog post.

There comes a time when it is impossible not to let go. There are three options one faces when met with an obstacle…. They say there are five stages of grief. I do not disagree that there are five stages, I think that certain people choose them in the order that their brain can process.

When something happens to someone that the brain can not process they literally repress the memory. It is easier to black it out than to deal with it. If you have enough traumatic events happen to you it is hard to specify the time that the mind decides it has had enough. Compacted memories reaching their emotional limits until finally you completely shut down. It is easier to believe a lie than it is to accept responsibility and in some cases the responsibility is in the omission of the truth. Perhaps not asking someone for help even when you knew you were not at fault but just the same you were a witness or a victim and you did nothing to stop it….or you could have confided in someone who could have helped. In order to become rehabilitated you eventually have to face it all. It is called recrimination….. and if you are lucky, you get the chance to make it right. If you are not… you have to accept the actions and move on.

I think I have almost (and I use that “almost” very loosely) rehabilitated myself. The reason I express this in the words on the page is for the person who is searching or denying what will eventually become their darkest hour…they may be reading this now. Perhaps it is right around the corner, but because I have been through so much I can honestly say you have to learn as much as you can about your strengths and weaknesses in order to stay as sane as possible when that day does arrive.

Back to what I was saying….there are three ways to handle an obstacle. You face your defeat and sulk, you can tackle it head on and conquer the issue…or you can turn your back on it and pretend it does not exist. Your choice affects your personal self for many days to come. It is what makes you an entity of your own. An island or your own thoughts, or a prison of your own seclusion.

I chose to ignore. My brain shut down and decided to construe the imaginary rather than deal with the situations before me. There is no use in wanting to change it. You can not ever go back and correct it or make it obsolete from the history that is you. That is the worst part. When you do finally decide to deal with it, the clarity brings you back to realizing you did some things you will never be proud of and you did some things that you always will cherish.

Have you ever noticed how people relate certain songs to certain memories? And then when you hear the song it takes you back to that moment and your brain brings back those exact emotions. This goes along with my theory that the brain will surface repressed memories when approached by a similar situation. The character is now decided by your reaction to the memories and the moments. This is our life in progress ….the memories are now.

With that being said, I will defer back to the point that certain songs remind us of certain times. Just like said songs, there are certain mementos that are avoided like the plague when in denial. Denial is a stage of grief. Acceptance is a stage of grief.

One factor of rehabilitation is acceptance. While you can accept something on the surface; it is quite another to accept something and understand it’s meaning. Accepting, understanding, and learning…this is my definition of growth. The impact of people’s choices is something they must live with. But the person you are is the person you can become. …to the core. You can be disingenuous to yourself and others but you can also realize that the good exists. Those fun times and great memories of love happened. They happened just like the terrible times…The times when you found yourself through a fog of confusion can resurface in clarity. The true soul awakens and tries to emerge, even if for a fleeting moment. I truly think that those moments of transformation can make anyone happy,.

Material possessions, other people, and money really can not make you feel fulfilled. Sure, they can make you superficially happy; but if a person has euphoria because of an object, product, or person… normally when the newness wears away, they are left with the unhappy feelings until something new is there again,. Lack of acceptance and self will never be fulfilled by anyone but your self. I wish someone had told me that when I was 16, 20, 22 or even 27.

For a really long time, I depended upon these things to make me happy. I now see them as accessories to the real treasure which is myself. Cars, clothes, shoes, even boyfriends…they have a place but should never replace the genuine article…you. If you take them away completely what would you be left with the same worth? Would you search for them again? Would you try to replace them and fill the void with meaningless generic? Do you spend time waiting for the next thing to come along? Or do you just accept the loss….Pick up and move on?

I waited, I ignored. I replaced. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I do not think I will ever be awarded forgiveness for all that I have done to others…and to myself. But I have one gift that I can provide to everyone involved….. Forgiveness. Even if I am never forgiven for my transgressions, and even those transgressions that flanked, harbored and burdened me can not be taken back; there is no excuse. You choose the actions, you live with the consequences and you have to accept the penance. In the end you realize karma is a fact. Justice is a fact. However you want to refer to them…they are inevitable… In some way, some how you pay for everything you have done. It is the credit of your life. If you purchase something knowing you can not pay for it, or maybe you can pay but you choose not to or to spend allocated money on something else….your credit is poor. If you keep offending things, and more importantly people without respect, eventually your life’s credit becomes poor as well. The card is worthless. If there is no substance or resources available what is the point in having it? You make your own score. I am living proof that is possible to come out the rubbish…and become something great.

The same song that you hold onto for so long and brings back great memories can also bring enormous pain. Ask anyone who has ever lost something and heard the same song that made them happy….and it left a huge void of despair. The same can be said for clothing, or jewelry….it is amazing, happiness can turn into a vast void…and then it can also remind you of solace…..hope…

Once upon a time a girl was given a shirt. It was not hers and she loved it. It was someone else’s – it comforted and welcomed many times…almost like a blanket or pillowcase…or a hand… it has a certain warmth and place for you… As time and life progressed, the tee shirt constricted the person…like the guilt, pain and heavy emotions of the situation….eventually it was discarded and was out of sight…yet never out of mind. Whatever one was feeling can be brought back by sight, memory, or smell of the obsession…the same girl who loved said shirt shunned and ignored the shirt…just like her emotions…then she rediscovered it one day when she had accepted things…and it brought new meaning. It was baggy and loose, more of a night shirt than anything…yet she wore it and found the best parts of her memories of self….realization that the moments had transpired and the comforting feelings could even transcend though the circumstances and personal changes. Fondness and longing…hope and release….amazing that all of these emotions can be brought up or a person can become made aware of by a materialistic possession…but for anyone who ever had to let go…who has lost something….they will comprehend the comparison…

The same can be said with a ring…more specifically my ring… not THE ring that embodied my existence for a year… but a ring that promised more…that meant more…not as luxe.,…not as expensive…but beautiful just the same…locked away until finally I could face it. I faced it a few months ago…and now I wear it…it felt odd on my right hand…so again it goes on my left…many look and wonder who the guy is…I have learned to keep things to myself….there is no present guy….the gift is not about what the giver signifies to me….but it is a promise to myself. I made a commitment to myself to give it my all until I do not need the reminder of why I am trying so hard…and the progress I have made is my constant memory engrained in my cognitive sensory… Ever since I have been wearing it my luck has changed…or maybe my perception…but until I reach a certain goal…I will wear it…it is a symbol…not a definition…an accessory…take it away and I still will try to be a better me…but with it there I constantly feel that pressure…and then when I feel at peace with it all…and I will…. eventually…. I will take it off…when I am ready…when my goal is reached…and my need to remind myself that it was not ALL bad is at the forefront again…

My ring is my comet…it was never the actual comet…but it represented all of the things the boy loved…and all of the things that made him feel whole….

*Kaylee Way refers to the back door style of writing….I never get to the premise directly, I work around it in a round about way (but at least it does eventually relate to the principle.

Cloaked...

2009-06-07T12:02:00.007-04:00

I have found that letting people get to know my mind's corridors is the most frightening revelation of all.

I chose to delete the prior posting; I thought the subject as well as content were too personal, yet I find anything that is the truth that I choose to tell is just that...personal. I chronically and methodically shut down when people get too close to the haunted thoughts and admissions that I find lurking in my head. I suppose everyone has this problem. Maybe it is why so many people sabotage a great thing when they have it; only to remorsefully wish they had never been so self destructive. I pragmatically abandon anyone who gets too close. Possibly returning at a later date for fear that they will find the truth...a truth that I have not been able to freely admit or accept until now.

After reviewing the post, I instinctively (against my better judgement) posted it again. I then thought about why I am doing the reflecting that I have as of late; what exactly am I personally hoping to get out of this path that I am now on? This is my personal recrimination...and my soul is pleading guilty. I hope to endure the verdict and transcend my soul's ablution...exhoneration...until I for once in my life feel completely whole.

Friday my work laptop blew up. It overheated. I woke up at 4am and worked out as scheduled, had a wonderful morning filled with pleasantries amongst anyone I came into contact with. My computer would not start and slowly I felt that gloomy, constraining, overwhelming need to scream and ask "WHY ME?"

Quickly my mind raced with memories of helplessness from the prior Friday as the car's engine blew up. I practically looked at the data I had and sought refuge in spreadsheets printed out. Everything I needed for the day (Friday is my BUSIEST day) was on the PC.....I then took it to IT....and they could not get it to boot. Never one to rest, I did everything possible without a computer. I then noticed the slight chill in the air from the co-workers...it saddens me that this is something I have learned to become accustomed to.

Before I wanted catharsis...before when I had not prepared to suffer the irrevocable penance that I was due by the fates and karma....I would have panicked and bolted. I recognized what was happening and decided I would NOT let the blemish of yet another personal materialistic good overheating and blowing up derail my wonderful outlook on life.

I finished reading the book about Change....it was a great read for me at this current time in my life...however I do not know how much someone else would appreciate it's content. The book seemed to have it's own propaganda built from the success of other novels and at times I felt as though the Author was digressing from the content so he could promote his website....and his wife's poetry. It still was a worthy read and I learned things about myself...I think I know these thoughts lurk...these feelings...but sometimes it takes a reminder to slowly be whispered in my ear to know what I am feeling is right.

I explained how the book states there are three truths already; but the basis of the book is your experiences from your past can not be erased and your instinctive reaction to many problems are from the stigma of past transgressions. The book then tries to train the mind to take the data for what it is worth....with no subjective, without adding any memory to the current situation.

There were many things I liked about the book....the whole notion that our souls are what should guide us...and the soul and the mind are perpetually battling for the rites of the body...and it's actions. Ultimately, it is the soul that one should feel and trust....and by the soul the Author refers to God. His theory is God gave us all a piece of Him in the form of the Soul. The Soul is energy, and everything on the planet has this energy. He then was very detailed about the reptilian brain...snakes instinctively act....they do not feel remorse and you can not make them mad...lions..the mammals..you can make mad...they feel...however their brain is not as advanced as the human brain. It's complex and at times lofty...but the principle is the same...the clarity that comes from the thought of trusting the Soul...nurturing the Soul through meditation etc...I tend to agree with these methods of retribution and stable living.

I was then quite proud of myself. I did not care what the issues were with the co-workers...I had done no wrong, and if it was something that they wanted help with they could come to me...I asked...they said nothing was wrong...that was that. No more analysis needed. The computer is still in IT...and whatever the outcome is I will not run and hyperventilate. I will recover what I can and do all that it will....this minor setback or delay of getting what I want is not going to monopolize my time or emotions.

With this being said...while I was packing up to leave for the day...one of my colleagues decided to tell me that if my computer was not back Monday she had a spare laptop on her desk I could use. I kindly accepted the overture and left with a smile. Here is why. If I know someone NEEDS something, and I sit there all day and listen to them needing phone numbers and having to search for them and do not offer until the END of the day to tell them they can borrow something...they really did not want to help. In the same regard...as bossy as I am I could have walked over and demanded to use someone's computer...but I did not. I have become the QUEEN of improvising in tough situations that distressingly have the worst timing known to man! Alas, I digress....karma is the meanest bitch ever...you get back what you put out....and I refuse to put out anymore negative...anger and intimidation harbored for so long will only hurt it's proprietor.

Harboring fear...I am not immune to all fear...I am a work in progress.....and while I feel as though I am making great strides I am no where close the other side of the Grand Canyon. I use the analogy alot...You can see one side of the Grand Canyon from the other...there is such a distance in between...separating and making one feel so isolated...you can see what is on the other side...how it was..how it could be...but the abyss lingers and it is hard to say what trekking through the dark area will lead to....how do you know when you are strong enough to attempt such a journey?

I am single. I am single by choice. I am not actively looking for any one person to become involved in my "personal endeavor" .... it would be easy to mask and hide these feelings...leaving them in the past and not letting them resurface. One would say letting people that I once had a romantic interest in know these things about myself would be a really grave mistake. Guileless minds could never trust or would never give their heart to someone so fractured. Thoughts of defeat breed defeat. It erodes any benevolent worth I may have found in the dark soul....therefore I can not and will not worry about such defeatist ideals that I have learned to depend on.

I have a theory ...I think that my guilt and past preconceived emotions have be purged in order for me to have a clean and clear mind. I do not think it is possible to expunge all of my deceitful actions or thoughts...but I think instead of just knowing that I should feel bad...I actually have to FEEL my guilt. With that I can ardently FEEL the love and happiness that I once knew. Self Realization is a remarkable feat. It is one worth undertaking.

I went with my mother this weekend to my Grandmother's farm. There is beauty and love in everything...the trees made this so apparent this weekend. it has rained recently...they were green and lush...full of life and beauty. The wind was blowing with clouds rolling in...and it felt like me. Coming back to who I am....

I have not always been the most consoling or compassionate daughter. In the past it has been difficult for me to act nice for more than three hours....this is the running joke in my family....I can not go shopping for more than three hours before the other personalities emerge....my theory on this....it is because it is an ACT. I genuinely didn't feel good about myself...and it is hard to let others in when you feel so dirty....almost like when you don't want people to see your unkept house...they can see the one room without the stuff...but don't look in the closet...

My mom wanted to drive yesterday. She is so very weak...yet she is on new medication that is actually working. I tell her all of the time she has to put negativity aside...and think that it will be okay if we do the right things. When my boss first learned my mother was sick he told me how he and his wife took care of his mother...how he had to approach her like a machine....because if he did not nothing would get resolved...or he would be so distraught he could not function. For many months I have approached my life that way. Her illness has taken many turns...not always ascending to new heights...in fact, just the opposite...

I really did not want to go anywhere yesterday....but I could tell mom was shaky...so I volunteered and helped. I was fine for more than three hours...it was not an act. I knew she wanted to drive but it was just impossible a week ago....she did drive for about 5 minutes and of course she had not forgotten how to...however after observing there was no way she should nor could she have made the trip alone.

We arrived at my grandmother's after what was the most pleasant car ride yet...and I just could not stop looking at the trees. They were breathtaking...I started taking pictures...I was even nice to my uncle and engaged in conversation as I once did...it was almost like looking at myself for the first time.

When I was a kid I needed glasses BADLY. No one believed me because I was really smart... except mom...and sure enough I am BLIND. I will never forget how it felt seeing things the first time. I experience it in the mornings when I go to put my contacts in and can all of a sudden see more than colors...

Yesterday felt like that. Everything just popped into Technicolor...it was as though Dorothy had stepped into the Land of Oz....

I had a very promising email when I arrived home. I am not divulging it's contents yet...as it is a personal ambition that I would like to keep to myself...Something I want and think will come to fruition....that is the thing about getting what you want...you have to know what you want...

After all a dream without a plan is just a wish....

Chaotic Conspiracies...

2009-05-31T18:21:00.010-04:00

In my entire life I have NEVER felt the way I have in the past month. Last week was the climatic series of events that confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt; the time for my life to change is now. That is actually a false statement. My life is changing rapidly; my approach has to evolve with this.

I have always had moments of clarity; when I felt like myself....they quickly pass and I am back to the same old me. Yet in the past several months I have noticed my strengths, my weaknesses and the times when I am just wrong. I also have noticed when I do things that I like, when I am doing things others appreciate, and our reaction to said actions.

I always say I can not stand people who tell lies about me. They should come to me, because I am the most creative mind - and I can come up with something more scandalous and believable than they could.

The problem with my mindset changing is that not everyone knows; in many cases they like me as I am. I have been cast in a role and when I change so does the script; many of them do not appreciate the ad lib. They are the ones with the issues....issues of change and being open or closed to this.

When I was a teenager I believed there were two sides; good and bad. When I was in college I found out there was a grey area. You were good but could not be trusted, you had your vices....As an adult I have learned sometimes it is better NOT to know those secret vices.

When I used to meet guys in college I would ask what their deepest darkest secret was. I liked to see their reactions. As they slowly opened up to me I would ask the same questions months later. I had a "scale of trust" where I would learn about them; as our relationship progressed the amount of trust would intensify, thus them opening Pandora's box. It is almost a Catch 22....comparable to when you ask a current love interest about their sexual history. The guy is damned if he does and condemned if he does not. There is no win in that situation. Not until the person is completely comfortable with their selves. I have learned when you finally are-you aren't as curious. Confidence is a great thing; it allows the doubt and wonder to flee the mind.

I digress....as I was saying their was always a villain and it was never me. It would be someone else. I would be the victim. Then as I grew older I would do things without remorse or responsibility. Scheme, Scandal and Manipulation would get me out of this. Rather than dealing with myself and the truth - I would escape.

I said in an earlier posting I wanted to be an Ad Exec for W Magazine. To sell perfection. It is only NOW- when I am 27 years old that I have realized who cares? It is an advertisement of something that can never be. The most perfect moments are never those formal events that you think they should be; they are normally at the after party, or when you are barefoot in pjs playing poker. Everything else in my life has been an underlying wave of chaos and hardships; masked by selling an ideal life that does not exist for me. It never did. That does not mean my life has lacked merit or joy. It is just different than what was sold. I denied the beauty; clouding it and masking it with stories of grandeur. Not realizing that other people were not in my dream world. While my maze of imaginative stories were so entertaining, they weren't the truth. They were an escape mechanism.

There is a street I drive down almost daily near the Hospital. It is the "ghetto" part of town. There are these random buildings that are new and clean in this filth. You notice the clean buildings and I always say "why this part of town?" Today I drove down the street and looked at the buildings. This time in a new light. Without the filth and grunge they would not as shine as brightly. Their surroundings help create an optical illusion....it doesn't mean they wouldn't be just as pretty in other surroundings; but maybe they wouldn't be as much in the forefront.

I like to think of my past as the filth and grunge on that street. All of the structures at one time were clean, and whole. Slowly people came and wrote their graffiti on the walls; some leaving larger marks than others. Weathering of the storms, witnessing so much strife, abandonment and negligence that they lost their light. I like to think of the really pretty building that is empty now; no one will lease it because of the horrible surroundings. It is glowing and many try to go near it but the fear of graffiti and turmoil looms.

I have found a more twisted person than I . They say crazy is the new hot. Look at Britney and Lindsey...but I have found that I normally am capable of handling monsters...I have played on both sides of the field...therefore I can call a cigar a cigar....but this one is no regular cigar. This in vintage. It is like the oldest cigar and the greatest graffiti artist went to Home Depot and want so badly to watch me burn.

Conspiracy theory. An elaborate plot or scheme I once would have created in my mind to make myself the victim has finally arrived for me to deal with. Everything I have said I wanted to change is now being tested. Once I passed one; there was pop quiz around the corner. It led to shock, hurt, panic, worry....and when I came to peace with these notions I was challenged again.

My sister has a theory that God is testing me. My mother thinks the devil is after me. I think it is karma. Perhaps it is karma leading me to what I am destined for. I think it is up to me to make sure it is great...something that I won't regret.

Months ago I had an issue with someone. Someone I would not give the time of day. My mother said it was God preparing me for something greater. That conflict and tribulation always led to something greater. I knew there were issues still looming but I was going through my self realization. I did not realize that while I was working for the better me someone else was forming allies with others. For whatever reason, they tested me. It all made sense when I found the missing piece of the puzzle. It was only after I was hurt that I found that missing piece.

I had to decide last week whether or not my pride was worth a choice I was going to make. I decided that I would once again do what I always do when the going gets rough...I would walk away. I did. However one day after the strife I decided that I was a grown up and I would do what I loathed....I confronted the person about what had happened. In the end the truth came out; I was actually the victim...and I normally would disassociate.

Anyone I have ever lied to beyond recognition and recrimination will tell you I walk away. They are the bully, I did nothing wrong and I disassociate so quickly one's head is left spinning. In the past I would have kicked myself for admitting this now...but I run when I am wrong. I do not confront when I am right....I disassociate....from myself....from reality....it takes so much strength to say that...it is liberating.

Friday I felt really great about my decision to confront and move away from all that was posing a threat to my "change" Little did I know a POP QUIZ was in the works...my mom decided to throw a curve ball in my morning...I literally had errand after errand...I got to see the people I used to work with etc...and I went to the bank...decided that I had handled things in a manner I could be proud of...my day wasn't ruined it was just altered....

As I was walking to the car from work before running these various errands I thought it was so odd that I wasn't on the phone with ANYONE walking...it was me. Years and months of always mindlessly chatting on the phone was replaced by silence. Moments with myself, feeling like dependence was leaving the body...I was strong...this was me...trusting no one...yet not begrudging anyone...

This meditative moment was replaced when I was at the stoplight two hours later and my BMW started smoking...a flame was there...and in the middle of traffic my car was just gone. Thank God for three people who magically appeared to help me push the car out of the way...the whole time I was yelling and crying on the phone with BMW...I had what is called a HISSY FIT. I never knew what a hissy fit was until Friday. - The kid that lays in the floor kicking and screaming throwing the tantrum ....when that child grows up and completely freaks out only using horrible language...that is a hissy fit...and just like I had been preparing my whole life for that audition...I won the OSCAR for my hissy fit.

The man towing the car took 40 minutes to get there....the woman in the BMW place had never seen someone so frantic and my sister laughed at how I was able to laugh at the situation. I am not quite over this yet; but I realized many things I would not admit to months ago.

I keep discussing change. The past. Letting go. That you are only willing to do things and let go when you want to....no one can force this upon you. This is true for me as well....

The BMW was purchased literally 2 weeks before I met my former fiance. I let that car define me. It was a tool. An accessory. Like my Kate Spade bag...it was a symbol. I had been challenged by someone I trusted last week. I could do what I always do, walk away and quit....or I could be strong. I chose to be strong. I was proud of myself. Then I went and saw people I didn't plan on seeing...and things I came to peace with....the apologies that were so hard to make I made...there are still many more...but I made big decisions....

Thursday after deciding to stay my course I realized I need a vacation. This will come not before Labor Day. I plan on doing something for me. I also realized that my days of Fairy Tales are long gone. They are stories. I want life. In this life right now I will not deny emotions and feelings...but I will not let them be my purpose....I can openly say...I will not settle...yet I at this current moment am not ready to start a relationship of viable importance....I will not be until I feel like I am my own person....repented...evolved....rehabilitated from the monster I was.

This was only ONE of MANY decisions that I made that I could be proud of.....

My BMW blew up. It did....the engine BLEW UP....I still have not wrapped my head around this....I handled the rest of the day like only I could have....praying...yelling...frantically plotting...and taking immediate action. By 4:30 I had a rental car....and low and behold...the rental of choice was the same type, make and model as the last rental car I was dropped off in before heading back to South Carolina. Irony.

Confession time. I have always cast myself as Joey Potter from Dawson's Creek. I chose to repulsively shut down and watch Joey and Pacey Friday night.....habit. When I came home I did not have a penny to my name. I had no car, no job, little clothes, few mementos...enormous guilt and pain....no hope...numbness. I did have the best family you could ask for. They were my Clarance's....my guardian angels...months after I came home I would daily watch Dawson's Creek in a dark room. It was something I did to disassociate from reality. I didn't want to think of anything....

I woke up Saturday with a heightened sense of being...and after playing enough games on Facebook Celebrity I decided to go to my sanctuary....Barnes & Noble...there is a time to sink back into old habits...there was a time....that time has passed. I don't want to be anything like the person who disassociated from the true soul of who I am...and I will not let this set me back.

We toyed with the idea that some demon was after me....I joked that I wanted to walk backwards in circles...visit a VooDoo person who could reverse a curse. I always feel guilty for mom being sick...like it is karma....and it hurts...I don't want to feel this way.... I found myself in the chakra section of B&N....I was able to locate a book I wanted....When Everything Changes, Change Everything.

There was a couple beside me...African American who were looking at a book about VooDoo and talking of dolls and how their friend had this book and there is a DVD...the female started talking about the bigger picture knowing I was listening and for a brief moment I almost asked if they could reverse my curse.

I walked away....went to the Self Improvement Aisle and found myself looking at 12 Step books. I may not be an alcoholic, but I am addicted to anything that can mask the pain and guilt I feel. I never killed anyone...but I feel like I have astronomically let myself down....more than anyone else....the time is NOW to reform my bad behaviors. I can not keep feeling this way...it is hard and I am encountering trials...but I will NOT stop until my soul is mended.

Funny thing...I did not see one book on people's relationships with food. Only anorexia....bullemia...alcohol....no addiction to lying....there was a book about addiction to lying on one's back...I don't have that issue as I am not a sex addict...but I finally found a book on binge eating. It is a workbook. I purchased it. I also bought two other books recommended by a friend...

I watched more Guardian last night...I have about 18 episodes DVRed...I still contemplate going to Law School...I read the first two chapters of my Change book...the first Chapter says you should let someone in....that you have to accept everything is going to change...I think it is going to be a really great book....

Yesterday I was confronted with yet another issue of the past. That vacation that I so longingly wanted to take has been derailed a little. Or more importantly, change of guests....I still plan on doing something amazing for Labor Day...I just have to figure out what and with whom...

I started to react how I always do....to cut communication when something happens I do not like....I am not saying this person and their reasoning is what I believe is right...it is not something I will freely admit is wrong....like all things, I accept and try to understand...and that my friend, is growth.

In January I started a Journey with myself...it was the first step...I was in Harris Teeter (triple coupon week) and I felt like me. It then occured to me....I was looking at this ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL wrong....

Funny...I could have handled last week differently. I could have never confronted and not know the truth; I could have thrown a fit and smeared the person's name...I could have walked away with resentment...letting it become bigger than any progress I had made...I could have yelled at my mom for throwing a huge wrench in my Friday...I could have blamed her for not letting me be prepared...for confronting the past...I could have lied, schemed and eaten my emotions...I didn't...and when the ultimate challenge came and I was proud of myself I could have disengaged with reality...only to be tested by a person when they did not do what I wanted....

It hit me today on the way home..maybe this is my pilgramage...my Twelve Labours of Hercules...I passed one test to move on to the next....

What is really hilarious to me...my past is in my face right now...from childhood to college...it is just lurking...I may evolve but they have not...woe to me...they want me back in my supporting character role....I am now in a spin-off of my own...and many do not like it...Pass...People I hurt...I am trying to mend fences...do the right thing...accepting the past...appreciating my family...pass....working my butt off literally...pass....professionally sound...pass...

The engine that blew up was in the car that represented my new life to me years ago...my pride and joy....I drove to PA on my own to show my family....I picked Kyle up in it at the airport...Andy drove from CT and we went on a date in that car...he did say his Caddy was nicer...but the point was...here it was...I put so much emphasis on it...and boy, God showed me...maybe that was my release. The coolant pump literally blew up without warning.....no lights...nada...just shock, suprise...and at the end of the day I was in the same type of car I was in when I came home...

This is me. This is who I am. I would like to think that whomever I become starts now. The silent rhapsody...not knowing what will happen...just knowing that Fairy Tales are just that...and there is no story in my imagination as great as the reality of the love and life I have now....

New Again....

2009-05-25T12:09:00.020-04:00

Lately I am learning the beauty of the unexpected. The things we think will happen..that never do...the things we wait on...that we should not. The unexpected gifts of our daily lives that we never see coming. How we perceive ourselves...how others see us...it has more to do with who we feel we are as opposed to who we really are. We are what we repeatedly do.

Our perception of how things are at times seem askew when one looks back on the situation once removed from it.

I found a letter that was written to me; it was very different from an email correspondence I had held on to for more than three years. This letter was the last correspondence I would ever have from the heart of someone that I had hurt. It was very different from the way I had pictured it all in my mind. The truth is I knew where it was located...I thought about it many times but was never ready to face it....to review what was once written...I had blocked out what it said...forgotten it all...Funny how reading it did not bring back feelings of hope or anticipation...but a sense of closure was found...which was exactly what I wanted and was ready for..

It makes me think there is much to be said about perception...and maybe once a person is away from their feelings certain light is shed. Have you ever noticed how when you let go you get what you want? Maybe in the end you continually want it; maybe you decide it wasn't for you....there is no fear except fear itself...and there is no greater regret than the chances and opportunities you did not take.

I think letting go is important for one's sanity, but more importantly for one's heart. Seeing how others act and react to situations tells you much about the person. My dad told me once you never knew what a person is made of until you see them backed into a corner.

There are times when I feel like I am in that corner now. Slowly inching my way out of it. Stepping into the light. Knowing there will be more difficult times ahead.

They say luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity....I feel it in the air. Or maybe I just feel change. Drastic change. I can either hold up in a corner or come to meet it head on. I am not seeking it out; but when it does arrive I will be prepared.

There was a time when I would mentally shut down right about now. I feel myself being challenged mentally these days. It is one thing to say you are changing and quite another to actually change. You have to follow through daily. It can't be an act. People see through that...you know when it is an act... You...yourself....you owe it to yourself...if you don't like you...you owe it to you to become someone you do like.

For whatever reason this year I have been awakened like never before. Maybe it is the fact that every day I watch as my mother struggles to breathe. Or to walk....or chew. I watch it....and it hurts both of us. So much energy expended... I have learned how to control the vibes I am putting out. People feed off of emotions..and they can be just as taxing as physical exertion. Therefore on a daily basis I have to create hope. Colin Powell says optimism is a force multiplier. I truly believe that.

It is time for preparedness.... There is no time like the present.

I have this idea of what I want in my life. I used to go to bed and dream of what I wanted. Normally it was always so far out of reach. Once you take control of your actions and accountability you realize your dreams are a lot closer than you think; but a dream without a plan are just a wish...and while I believe you can wish until it comes true...I think you could live forever before your wish ever comes to fruition. I am not great at waiting.

I refuse to sit on the sidelines. Yet so many say I am right now; nope, I see things differently. The animals that hibernate for the winter store their food...and then people do not see them for months. I feel like that right now. I am not hiding - just getting prepared for my spring.

I look back and think that the good times have already happened - daily my mother is a reminder that the good days are now. There is so much to be thankful for. That breath that she takes....that food she eventually can chew...the time when I can make her smile...or proud...the times when I hear my nieces and nephew laugh and know that they have so much to look forward to. Knowing that all of the strife and challenges made us who we are. Letting go... Realizing there is no guarantee and this is all we have.

I have decided to redecorate and renovate the condo. It is an expensive endeavor. I plan on doing it. Months of tolling detailed work will in the end be something that I daily enjoy. Funny, the same "verbage" can be used to describe my relationship with my body. With every pound I tackle I take off any hurt, guilt, insecurity etc that I have. It is like that haircut - releasing you from the memories....letting go...that is why we change our hair...esp after break ups...it reminds us change can be good...that we can let go...

It feels like there is no organization....that we have collected so many trinkets and papers....they are never filed...just pile upon pile...maybe we don't want to deal with them...maybe they remind us of things we hold on to...or that we never want to handle....eventually when you collect so much and never deal with it all...you suffocate...in it...from it...it overwhelms you and your mindset. I feel like that...the food and sleeping masked the real issues...the stuff masked the uncertainty.

My mom asked if I wanted to wait - I was investing all of this money in the house and what if I get married or move out...I am not waiting on that...the life I envision and want is what I will have. I will prepare now. I will be happy with what I have, who I can be...what I overcame and continue to combat.

I feel like my life is the "before"...the picture above of the chair...it needs to be reupholstered into something gorgeous...new again...clean and fresh...yet keeping it's structure. The core remains the same but the aesthetic becomes like new again.

With every room that I clean out...every pound that I lose...and every emotion I deal with...I daily recognize my true self and thus, my potential to become who I can and will be.

Spring Cleaning...

2009-05-07T19:32:00.005-04:00

Hello ME!

Recently I have had quite the epiphany. You CAN NOT & SHOULD NOT criticize another until they feel the NEED to change or conform to your image of what is spectacular. I can easily say that I knew this to be a FACT years ago; but sometimes you can not see a situation for what it really is until you step outside of yourself.

With this being said, a person should be strong enough to endure such scrutiny while remaining true to one's self. What do you do when the person in front of you is smoke and mirrors...an illusion of grandeur...only to find your instincts were right..your emotions and feeling wasted...or were they?

I have many friends who will tell you that there are times when I give the best advice. In some people's opinion it is not the moral or "right" advice...but it generally gets the person what they want. We do things because we WANT to. If you are not working out, or calling that person...or trying to assimilate some optimism it is most likely because you DO NOT WANT to. You may entertain the idea...but you REALLY do not feel that is imperative to you.

This year alone I learned that we are capable of doing things for reasons that we can not explain...as long as it is something we are compelled to do. I don't necessarily enjoy running errands etc for my mother...but I do them and I almost enjoy them because if I do not, who will? I have learned to appreciate the time, the labor & prioritize. It has made me more compassionate, worldly and organized.

Many people say they can't get up at 5am to work out...YOU WON'T GET UP AT 5AM AND WORK OUT... I have been waking up between 4:30 and 5:00am for months now...it is an internal clock that wakes me up daily at 4:45 and 5:15am....I personally love it. It is something I WANT to do.

You shouldn't want to change a person. To mold them into your fantasy of what a person should be. This all relates back to my favorite book....Shel Silverstein...The Missing Piece Meets the Big O...you find the complete person and go from there. But how does one know when the other is slowly chipping away at their whole self...at what point do you cease to be in the relationship...and when everything else is perfect how do you justify leaving?

I have seen both sides of this....I have been the person who tried to make something more than it was...and I have been the person made to feel inadequate...I can speak as the guilty party and the victim...both are not a fun role...both are equally wrong.

I say this because if you know you are the victim and you allow yourself to let something go on longer than it should...you are guilty. You have defrauded the other person as well as yourself. When you just do not care you know...they know...and if you stick it out it just complicates things...sometimes the hardest things end up being the best...

I have a friend who is EXACTLY where I have been. You're not sure what you did wrong...and in actuality you did not do ANYTHING wrong...but the other person walked away. Shock. Numbness. Sadness. Anger. Aggravation. There is nothing to do..you can scheme and try every plan there ever was... but if someone leaves...there was a reason...most likely wasn't the one you thought...

Why is it we look at ourselves and wonder what we have done wrong? Look at the other person and try to understand it had nothing to do with you. It is like I told my Dietician..I can say that I ate copious amounts of chocolate because I was depressed and had broken up with someone...but it is not the other person shoving chocolate in my mouth nor is it the chocolate's fault....it is a personal choice that ME MYSELF AND I made....and I had the control...just like the guilty party in that relationship had the control.

What do you do when you are the bad guy? I have been that person as well..you focus on something else; anything else; anyone else.....run; flee; escape....but in the end a person has to look at the things they have done....

My mom has always said you pay for it all one day...it all comes out in the wash...it does. My dad always says...a person will take something as long as they want to...and then they will quit it.... I always do...but I am very clear as to why I am doing something..especially after being on both sides...

There will be moments of clarity...moments of confusion...moments of idle thoughts that become blurred with reality...if it is meant to happen it will happen...I have been both the admired and the admirer...and each angle that you see in this life shapes the whole YOU and what you potentially can become.

I always ran from my roots....recently I have realized it wasn't my fault people were jerks...and it is still not my fault...nor is it their fault that I can be quite the stern one...it is all about balance...the sass, laughter, intellect, love, compassion... In those moments of wondering why I like to come to my focus point...ME....

You will be the one true thing that you know and can control.

If life ended tomorrow did you do everything that you could have...you actively choose not to or to do the things you SHOULD...but did you do all you could? My mother is very sick...as everyone knows...and my grandmother's death happened 5 years ago Monday... I found myself realizing that things are never as bad or great as they seem...so you must soak up the moments.

There are many things I am not proud of...reactions to how I felt as though I was being treated...or times when I let my pride, ego and wants get in the way of what was right. Regrets..nope...there are some things I would not do again...but then again...everything around me made me who I am. I came from a really tiny town that I have shunned and denied since moving away at the age of 12...why? I wanted more...never realizing more was not necessarily where I came from...but what that environment taught me...

It is Spring Cleaning....time to reinvent the surroundings...my home..my bedroom..my life...the way I evaluate and react to moments...the people who have an effect on my affect...sometimes on a daily basis...when you grow up..and you look back..funny...you miss the moments of happiness...you cherish the moments of struggle...they challenged you...sometimes mis guiled...often cynical representation of what your soul is...but the RELEASE....the actual LETTING GO...letting yourself off the hook for everything and everyone's problems...for your own self...it is the most fulfilling moment...you learn to hold on to it more than you ever could guilt, shame or insecurity...

THESE ARE OUR MEMORIES IN PROGRESS... and I refuse to have anything less than stellar. The question is who do you allow to share these moments with you?

Pumpkin Patch

2008-09-22T19:33:00.005-04:00

These are two of my favorite pictures of my nephew and neice at the pumkin patch. When my nephew was a baby they took him to the pumkin patch in the midst of all of these pumpkins. It is a picture that to this day I still carry in my large pocket book. I LOVE PUMPKINS!!! Maybe it is the fact that my sister and her husband started a tradition that I so would hold dear. The Charlie Brown Halloween Special is my absolute all time favorite (behind the Christmas Special), but still it is the idea of a family doing something together that the kids will remember when they are older. My sister is really great at coming up with awesome ideas for the kids. Someday I hope to turn into half of the mom she is. So it got me thinking, where's the Pumkin Patch? Below you will find a link for Pumpkin Patch's across the nation. When I lived in VT I went to the Apple Orchard and I loved it. But nothing beats a Pumpkin Patch.

http://www.pumpkinpatchesandmore.org/

My mind has been ALL over the place today. I didn't feel 100% there with anything I did today and I am not sure if it is a cold or if it is the simple fact that I did not sleep well last night. The A.C was too cold (and I am never cold) and I watched True Blood too late. Such an amazing show. Anna Paquin used to be one of my sister's favorite actresses and of course, now she is one of mine. She does an amazing job and wow she is fit. Inspiration for gym time. It got me thinking though, the men on that show are not at all "hot" but their characters allow viewers to perceive them as "hot" and they are drawn to them. Or I am drawn to Bill. It poses the question, are there any female characters on TV that men find attractive for unknown reasons?

Not at all like J Simpson - she is gorgeous - just thought I would throw that in - I want to look like her when I grow up - or a Kaylee similance version - haha!

And so it begins......

2008-09-21T18:00:00.004-04:00

"The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe."

Tomorrow marks the first day of Fall and I thought what better way to celebrate new found virtues and enlightenments than with a new blog. Blogging is something I have not done in quite some time; but while in NYC I realized it was nice to document and take note of events and moments as they passed. Anyone who knows me is aware that the last few months have been those of self discovery and awakening. One is forced to look at life from different angles when faced with circumstances beyond their control.

Earl Nightingale once wrote "Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us." I have found this is a bold and true statement; and to think you can fight against God's plan is a perpetual circle with no positive end result. But one can look at HOW you let things effect your life and demeanor.

If you knew me a year ago, then you don't know me at all. Maturity comes when you are confronted with your greatest fears, and to not take anything away from lessons learned is plain disregard for one's growth. I find sometimes you sit in denial until you can't; and when you are forced to choose between pulling wool over your eyes or stepping up to the plate, your choice shows your value. My maturity came at a time when I did not expect it; and while it was transpiring I was unaware of it until it was done. Loving others and putting someone else above your own wants and needs is not something I have ever really been great at. I have found time to volunteer countless hours to many projects and have been viewed by many as "noble" but I knew this was how it was viewed. This is not saying I have never done a selfless act, because I have done many but for the most part as long as I knew that I could walk away and carry on with my shallow existence as long as in the back of my head I could hold onto the notion that I was a "kind person" because I volunteered to help those who could not help themselves. Granted I do not regret the time I spent helping people, I have just come to the realization that my happiest times in life have been when I was helping others or making others happy. I think it is easier to recognize the good or the bad in others. And whenever a person commits so much of their time in any project I always wonder what about themselves they are hiding from. It is almost like it is easier to fix other people then to actually look at what it is about ourselves we would like to change. That is really sad. When did we become a society that is so scared of their own reflections that it is easier to watch a reality show, or look at a celebrity blog, or to gossip about a co-worker or family member. Many people I know (including myself) have been known to shop, or work out, or come up with some time consuming hobby rather than deal with their own problems. I am not being hypocritical here; I know my issues. They are rather large, some of them I have helped create, and some of them I have no control over. But what I do have is the power to change how I handle these insecurities. I have a choice of growing from the obstacles, or hiding. Time to grow up. Time to do things because they are the right thing. Not because someone will see them, or because they will validate my existence; but because it is the right choice.

During the last few months I have had time to get back in touch with who it is I used to be. Before the designers, and the BMW and the need to fill empty voids with materialistic stuff. In the end - it is stuff. It will not buy you happiness, it will not buy your health, it can't buy your friends, and when you are alone at night, it can not and will not help you sleep any better. The things that you want in life are the things you are preoccupied with. It's true. There is a reason you don't call family, or take the time to email someone. You choose what you want. You say what is important to you by the omission of the not doing. If you truly want something you choose it. You go after it. You don't sit back and wait for it to come to you. I have never been one to settle. And there are times when I look back and I see all of the missed opportunities I had to be happy that slipped away, by not doing something. But I am beginning to think that as wrong as those decisions may have been maybe my heart was unsure about what it wanted. Or maybe I didn't think it would end well. Or maybe I was insecure. And maybe I just needed to grow up. And here I am. I know what I want.

When I was a kid I wanted to be several things. I wanted to be a Senator's wife, I wanted to be a Librarian and I wanted to be an Ad Exec at W Magazine. Anyone who knew me laughs at the idea that I wanted to be a Liberian as much as I LOVE talking. But to this day, nothing calms me like walking into a Bookstore or a Library. Maybe it was an overactive imagination and the realization that there were many others who could come up more stories than myself (haha); but I did. I wanted to be an Ad Exec at W Magazine because I lovvvvved the gorgeous pictures where everything looked so perfect. Where people never had to worry about anything and just would sell this image of grandeur and sophistication. And I obviously chose W because it was the biggest and most expensive magazine. I was 9 and would carry it around. The Senator's Wife- well that is a given. I loved politics and even at an early age wanted to know what was going on in this great big world. World History was my favorite class of all time. Right behind that was Government. My sister helped me to realize I had lost me about 3 years ago when she asked me about some oil crisis and I did not know what was going on. That was during my NYC phase; and it was odd that the thing that drew the Ivy League type to me was one of the things I took for granted. To this day people who knew me a year ago do not know the simple fact that I am much more informed and much more knowledgeable than I let on. When did that happen? When did I stop caring about Literature? Not sure, but in the past few months I have returned to me again and it is a beautiful experience.

I don't know many females that love Sportscenter (and actually LIKE it), read the news every morning, are ambitious and beautiful at the same time. I am all of these things, plus I have a kick ass approach to style. All of the things that make me ME are not things that just are. They have to be maintained. There has to be an approach to my life in order to maintain and to grow with the positive attributes that I want to fully develop.

This blog will be a celebration of that. I have a ton going on right now. More than most people I know. I do so many things before the hour of 7:30am that people would not believe if they knew me. And in this time I could easily neglect myself and others, shut down and become a recluse or I can come out of my shell, do the things I can and should and come out of this with the best sense of self imaginable.

I am stepping up to the plate. My plate. Regrets gone. They made me who I am. Put me where I am. It is where I want and need to be. I can want and buy and create really pretty things, as long as I know that is not what my life is about. I can start relationships and become interested in people as long as I do not let those relationships consume me. I can work out and enjoy being by myself as long as I come out of my shell every once in a while.

And this is me being an extrovert-and sharing my awesomeness with everyone.....

I wake up every morning and I have personal superstitions. I wake up say a prayer, shower etc and regardless of working out or errands I always start my day with Mika's "Love Today" and the last song I have to listen to while getting ready is "Died In Your Arms Tonight" by Smitty. It's an inside thing with one of my friends, but it is my morning jam. The last song in my car in the morning had to be a Good Charlotte song...and you will primarily find me listening to it entirely too loudly in the morning. But that is what I like. The first words out of my mouth have to be kind. Normally I will ask mom how she is. The last phone call before I leave work has to be one that I can go home with, and no matter how long it takes, I always stay until I have done all that I can. When I get to work I look at the news first thing in the morning which is then followed by emails etc. The first thing I write - albeit text or email has to be words with happiness and promise. This is more information than anyone should know; but it has changed the way I think about myself, others and life as a whole.

I took time out of my schedule recently to list all of the things I wanted to change. Reflection was one of those things. In order for me to keep it all straight I need something to reference. This is what I hope to accomplish with this Blog. Maybe it will inspire others too.

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." - Oprah

These are the stories I am reading about today:

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/26774369/site/21683474/ - We won the Ryder Cup
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26809759/ - People who abuse Children should burn in Hell
http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/26822319/ - The Giants game was one of excitement
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26664877/ - Dancing with Stars and Grey's in one week! YAY
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26759133/ - Would you live in fear?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26792990/ - We should be really thankful to live in the US
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26787955/ - Another reason to LOVE dogs
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26777340/ - Muscles are good to us
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26778728/ - Again, people filling voids

http://www.hbo.com/ - True Blood and Entourage come on tonight!!!

My ULTIMATE splurge for Fall: Tory Burch Boots
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod65860157&cmCat=search&searchType=MAIN&parentId=&icid=src_Tory+Burch+New+Arrivals

HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!!!
http://www.marthastewart.com/halloween-idea-of-the-day?rsc=wn_Homepage_Homepage

"Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be, be one" - Marcus Aurelius

Kaylee Klusters...

You can't control the weather, but you can steer your ship.

184 Days

Marathon Time

Choices...

Insomniac Soul

Goodbye 2009

Managing Apprehension & Ambition

Weekly Posts

Other Links

Links

Links

Inspiration...

Cloaked...

Chaotic Conspiracies...

New Again....

Spring Cleaning...

Pumpkin Patch

And so it begins......